Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Saturday's Come and Gone Already?

Saturday Night Live” is still not live, and I have been holding out on you. I wrote a sequel to last week’s post , “Death Italian-Style,” for you to enjoy, however, I was overcome with grief after hearing the news about Italy on Friday and Saturday.  I had to take a time-out and compose myself before I could share more tasteless and politically incorrect material.  While the Italians, my ancestors are emotional and passionate, Americans are a curious bunch whose behavior  during a time of grief and suffering deserves equal time, Death American-Style.  If my grandparents had not emigrated more than a century ago, I might be writing Divine Comedies like Dante in a land where formalist poetry was perfected and poets are respected.  But alas, I am here and must wilt where I am planted.

Virus-related deaths American-Style:
1.      The Virus.
2.     Fatal blows during a battle in the grocery store over the last roll of toilet paper.
3.      Starvation after ratting on the teens who deliver your groceries upon seeing them playing together in the park.
4.     Anticipatory anxiety when you learn that the stores are all out of men’s and women’s hair coloring products.
5.     Daydreaming about how you will spend the money you will get while walking in front of a car.
6.     Unexplained circumstances after telling a Libral Democrat that you are an Independent.
7.     Unexplained circumstances after telling a Conservative Republican that you are an Independent.
8.     Electrocution after plugging your smart devices into the power strip while your hands are dripping with sanitizer.
9.     Being run over by a mail delivery truck after you say with pride, “I just sent a Thank You note to President Trump.”
10.  Murder when your spouse learns that YOU are his or her virtual date.
11.  Food poisoning because you did not read the expiration dates in your kitchen cabinets and refrigerator after eating out in restaurants for many years.
12.  Dehydration because you would not drink anything but bottled water.
13.  Shock because your grandparents who died on a romantic anniversary cruise left all of their money to the Save the Seaweed Foundation.
14.  Loneliness because Alexa stopped talking after the cable bill wasn’t paid
15.  .  Laughter, but not until SNL is back again.

It was announced today that another Italian-American, the children’s award winning author and illustrator Tomie dePaola, died at 86 after a fall.  Many of his works are available in audio from BARD and many other sources.  Some of his books are autobiographical.  One of these books tells about the day his mother heard about Pearl Harbor on the radio, Things will Never be the Same.  He also wrote I’m Still Scared about his childhood experiences in 1941 during World War II.  This is a reminder that children are watching and learning from us how to deal with fear, suffering, and grief.  These are, perhaps, the most important lessons that parents and educators will teach.

Things will never be the same, but I can guarantee that they will get considerably better because I am NOT going to write any more tasteless and politically incorrect humor.  There is already more than enough online to keep us laughing.

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