Friday, March 27, 2020

Social Distancing for People who Live Alone and Can't Stand Themselves

 Me, Myself, and I went for a long walk.  I wanted some quiet time to relax, but Myself and Me just could not shut up.  “I should be writing.”  “I should be job hunting.”  “I should be reading something important.”  “I should not have run out to buy the Nestle’s Crunch Bars after learning just how well this Canadian company is treating its employees—and because it is Lent And….”

 I admit it.  I talk to Myself even though she is my inner critic who once sounded like my mother but now sounds like my children.  I also talk to Me.  She is my inner comic.  She keeps Me and I entertained.  When she gets sad, she just looks in the mirror and finds something to laugh about.  Myself does not laugh.  She says things like, “That is not funny.”

Something very strange happened recently.  I was looking for a song that was recommended by a friend on You Tube.  The first video that came up was not the music group.  It was a video of Steve Martin talking about his comedy course.  OK.  This is a mystery.  Is the Alexa on my desk now critiquing my humor?  Did she tell the computer or google to find a class for me about how to write better comedy?  Did my computer do it?  Has Artificial Intelligence come that far?

Or is someone spying on me via my email?  I did recently write to a friend that the reason I have had few dates in 30 years is because Steve Martin is not available.  I have loved him pure and chaste from afar since I watched him in My Blue Heaven.  Jeff Daniels was my first celebrity crush after I watched him in Heartburn.  He lives just down the road and has a great sense of humor, but his song lyrics….  Well, you know.

“Isn’t it interesting,” I ask Myself, “that my celebrity crushes are for men who acted in Nora Ephron movies?”  Myself responds, “No.”  Me says, “You are so adorable.”

“You?”  How did she get in here.  Three is a crowd, but four is just frustrating.  I don’t think I have enough hand sanitizer or Clorox Wipes for all of us.

I learned on my long walk to a nearby mall that banks and credit unions really like social distancing and might see Me by appointment.  FedEx is the hotspot in town where people are as starved for the sound of a human voice as Myself is and are , like Me, avoiding sitting down at their desks.

I was standing in line at the grocery store at a socially correct distance when A man cleared his throat as he walked too close for comfort since he was not Steve Martin or Jeff Daniels who can share their virus with me anytime.  I did not throw him to the ground.  Myself did not scream, “Is there a lawyer in this joint?”  Me, as always, was understanding and gave the man a look that said, “I’m not perfect either.”

By the time I got home from my walk, Congress had voted on the aid package for Americans who are being hit by the virus.  All I can think of is the Broadway musical, “1776.”  What, I wonder, will “2020, the Musical” be like.

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